Vol. 1, No. 2 • Summer 1997
Readers Write
Ready or not, here I come
I especially enjoyed reading the article "Ready or not, here I come," by Joan S. McAllister. My husband and I have been foster parents for about 25 years. Most of our foster care has been with Professional Parenting in Morganton, North Carolina. Our program was started in the late 70's, when the serious need for long-term placement for the older child was identified.We found ourselves in a situation now that relates to your article. We have a 19-year-old foster son who is struggling to find himself. His hope is to attend college, and he is working toward that goal. He does not always make wise decisions. He has absolutely no biological family contact, and hasn't for many years. We are doing our best to guide him and be there for the many falls he is taking. He signed a Voluntary Placement Agreement. I'm sure he has anger and frustration over the fact that he needs our help.
I'm sure he would prefer to be independent and not to have to answer to anyone. It is a juggling act to know when to be firm, how much to push, and where to draw the line. It has turned into a real learning experience for me and my husband. I must add that this boys' social worker and Professional Parenting worker have been totally supportive, both with use and the young man.
I will look forward to future articles regarding Independent Living. We also have two 15-year-old foster sons. The road gets bumpy and rocky, but the rewards are immeasurable.
-- Lee Opp, Burke County
Parent to Parent
I wanted to respond to Karon Lashaw's advice ("Parent to Parent") to a foster parent's concern about the sleeping habits (or lack of) of the three-year-old in their care.While her response might be suited to a child being raised by her own parents, I think her expectation is unreasonable for this little girl.
We had a child the same age place in our home that reacted similarly and what we did not expect from her was normal behavior. Children who are placed in a strange environment must be allowed to regress to earlier stages of development (wetting when potty trained, night terrors, insecurity, etc.). The role of the foster parent should be to nurture the child, not demand conformity to a schedule. I spent hours rocking our little one to get her to the point of security at night and not fear. Even if it is a manipulation tactic (which is highly unlikely to begin with but might happen with time) the point is the child has been removed from an unhealthy environment that was normal to her, and placed in a healthy one, which she finds foreign. If you want to have any impact as a foster parent you must not expect normalcy from a child who is not where she wants to be.
She needs warmth and love, not firmness and rigidity. Not that a schedule and rules aren't a good thing. For sanity's sake they are necessary. But without compassion and understanding you won't get to the child's heart.
The child should not be the one that has to be accommodating. She will grow out of being fearful at night if surrounded by parents who show compassion and understanding. Respond from your heart. That is why we became parents to begin with, isn't it?
-- Karen Hoyle, Cleveland County
Providing foster care
There is no replacement for the experience I have had involving foster parenting. I wouldn't have missed it for the world. Foster care had been very rewarding for me. Being a mother of two lovely daughters was a heavenly experience. Being a foster parent of a few boys has filled the void and burning desire I had to have a son of my own.I found it difficult at times to remember that these children were not my own biological children. Caring for and loving them was truly a unique experience for me. I still have that never-ending drive to have a son of my own. Foster care can once more fill that need and drive I so yearn to have filled.
Each time a child entered my home and left for any reason beyond my control, it left an empty space in my heart. I've been able to remain professional and accept the change--however, it wasn't easy. I love children and will always open up my home to needy children.
--Madeline Taylor, Lenior County
Each a miracle
My husband (Buddy) and I have been foster parents for 15 years. We foster newborns, babies who are free for adoption, abused, or abandoned. We have our 30th baby now.Each baby is a miracle and we are blest from each one who enters our heart and home.
--Frances Hutson, Wake County
Copyright � 2000 Jordan Institute for Families
