Article: Parent to Parent

Vol. 1, No. 1 • Spring 1997

Parent to Parent
by Karen Lashaw, foster parent

Question: A little three-year-old girl I will call "Kathy" was placed in our home about three weeks ago. She is a very sweet little girl and we are really enjoying having her in our home.

Our problem starts at bedtime, when she spends most of the night crying with fear. I have tried rocking her and patting her to sleep, but when I stop she wakes up and begins crying again. Kathy is in preschool and her teacher says that she sleeps fine at school during nap time. Is Kathy afraid to sleep alone? If so, should we let Kathy sleep with us at night? We could use a better night's sleep.

Response: I commend you on your patience and the creativity you are using to deal with this difficult and very common situation. However, I do not recommend that you bring Kathy to bed with you and your spouse.

We do not know what is causing Kathy's nighttime sleeping problems. It may be that she has never had a regular sleeping schedule before she came into your home. Or she might have experienced some type of trauma which she may associate with bedtime or darkness.

I do recommend that you continue with your bedtime schedule. A predictable schedule such as brushing teeth, going to the bathroom, reading a book, etc. is reassuring to a child and helps prepare her for bedtime. A schedule lets the child know when bedtime is near and helps teach her that she is safe by letting her know what to expect next. When and if she wakes up at night, go in and check on her, tell her good night, and leave the room. If she gets out of bed, quietly take her back to her bed.

If Kathy does not currently have a night light, you might try giving her one so that it is not quite as dark in her room. You might also try leaving her bedroom door open at night so that she does not feel closed in. While it is difficult to let a child cry, after a couple of weeks Kathy's sleeping patterns should become more normal.

If Kathy has a therapist assigned to her, I recommend that you talk with her about Kathy's sleep problems. She needs to know if Kathy is having any problems at home or at school, and may prove to be an excellent source of ideas for dealing with any problems Kathy may have. If Kathy does not have a therapist, ask her social worker for a referral. You might also want to consult Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems. This book, by Richard Ferber, MD, provides practical suggestions for coping with many different kinds of sleep problems in children.

Keep up the good work and let me know how it works out.

Karen Lashaw lives in Alamance County.

To see one readers response to this advice, see "Readers Write: Parent to Parent."