Vol. 7, No. 2• May 2003

Lessons Taught and Lessons Learned

Reflections from a foster care licensing social worker turned foster parent

by Elizabeth Cassedy

My husband and I became foster parents this past November. I have been a foster care licensing social worker for over 20 years and taught MAPP since it was first introduced into North Carolina, so it was presumed by many that we would be able to do this.

We had discussed being foster parents for many years. When we were making the decision we talked to our minister, to our friends, to a therapist, and to other foster parents. Ultimately, as my husband said, “I kept waiting for God to say ‘Don’t do this!’ and He didn’t.”

What I particularly want to write about is the shift in my perspective since we became foster parents.

As child welfare social workers, we teach and tell parents to always be respectful and mindful of birth parents—which I truly believe that we must be for the sake of our children. What we don’t always do is give foster parents a safe place to talk about their feelings about the birth parents.

When I began fostering I was amazed at the intensity of my feelings and fortunate that I had many safe places to talk. I believe that all foster parents must have a safe place to talk about their true feelings, without fear.

There was, and continues to be (depending on the circumstances), an enormous difference between what we know on an intellectual level and what we experience when our children cry and tell us, “The one who loved me the most is the one who hurt me.”

How do we resolve this? We talk to one another, to our licensing worker, to a therapist, to friends at church and, above all, to God.

I remember listening to a foster parent speak at the North Carolina Foster Parents Association conference two years ago, describing how she talked to everyone, asking for advice.

She said she even consulted the mailman! At the time I laughed along with everyone else.

Now I know exactly what she was talking about.

It is essential that we be able to talk to others about our feelings without fear of losing our children or fear of condemnation by the child’s social worker. It is only by being honest about our feelings and understanding why we feel the way we do that we can help our children.

As social workers, we teach foster parents, the behavior comes from the feelings, and the behavior is not about you. But my experience as a foster parent has shown me that, in the midst of major tantrums, it’s really difficult to remember that it’s not about you.

We also ask foster parents to take children to all medical appointments, to take off work and adjust their schedules. I am fortunate to have a flexible work schedule, but within the first two months after our children were placed, I had one child having minor surgery, the other having therapy appointments. This experience made me wonder why more families don’t call us asking for help with transportation.

Above all, I’ve learned that the people I most often call for advice are other foster parents. They have been the ones who offered concrete advice on dealing with food issues. For example, they helped me understand that I was not a short-order cook. We tell parents: do not have meal time become a battle for control. Yet we don’t emphasize how important that is. I made the mistake, which I caution everyone against, of offering too many food choices. I learned how easy it is to make many “mistakes.”

In MAPP, social workers teach foster parents that transitions take a very, very long time and are an ongoing process. Yet how often have agencies questioned a foster parent’s skill if they are still struggling with their children’s transition issues? My husband and I remind ourselves it’s only been three months, and yet sometimes we think “How many times do we explain this?” to our children.
We have been licensed for a brief period so far, and we are experiencing how disruptive foster care is for children regardless of our best intentions.

Yet, like many foster parents, we feel called to do this at this time, and we are thankful for the blessings our children bring to our lives.

Elizabeth Cassedy is a licensing social worker for Chatham County DSS. She and her husband are foster parents for Orange County.

 

Copyright � 2003 Jordan Institute for Families