Vol. 7, No. 1• November 2002

Love Languages Help You Connect with Others

by Becky Burmester

Help! I’m drowning! This feeling is part of who we are as adoptive, foster, and kinship parents. We are people who care—sometimes too much for our own good!

The books I am reviewing in this column can be part of the solution to our feeling overwhelmed. Each of the books is available on audio cassettes for those of us who must always multi-task!

It may sound dramatic, but reading The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman and attending a workshop influenced by this book changed my relationship with my children and my spouse. Through Chapman’s book I learned that each of us was showing the other love, but doing so in the way that mattered to us. A giant light bulb came on as I realized that my spouse and children were not feeling the love I thought I was expressing through my countless “acts of service.” My husband and my daughter each measured my love for them by the amount of quality time I spent with them. My son found my love for him in words of affirmation. Gifts and physical touch are the other love languages explored by this book.

Amazing, positive things happen in relationships when you take the time to speak the other person’s primary love language. At first I was feeling pretty uncomfortable with the transition to “words of affirmation” as I interacted with my teenage son. To me, they did not say “I love you” in the way clean clothes and homemade cookies did. But the truth was that while the cookies and clean laundry were nice, they did not say “I love you” to my son. My spouse and children began to realize that straightening up the house without my asking them to was an “act of service” which said to me that I was loved.

Gary Chapman has written two other books, The Five Love Languages of Children and The Five Love Languages of Teenagers, to help you identify the primary love language of the children and teens in your life. Each book contains many specific examples to aid you in identifying the primary love language of the young people you love. Recognizing love languages reduces frustration and improves daily interactions. Foster parents with an understanding of the five languages will find that adding children to the family will be easier when they are able to identify the love language of the newcomers.

The books and tapes are available through the N.C. Foster Parents Association web site link to Amazon.com. NCFPA receives a portion of the proceeds when items are ordered through the link at our web site. Many libraries also have these books.

Don’t forget to be good to yourself by attending the 5th Annual NCFPA Training Conference November 16 and 17, 2002 in Durham. If you have questions about this column or suggestions for future columns, please contact me (919/870-9968, [email protected]).

Copyright � 2002 Jordan Institute for Families