Vol. 5, No. 2 • May 2001

Making Up For Lost Time
by Joan S. McAllister

As a waterfront counselor during the 1970's, I had the responsibility of teaching young campers how to swim. Our camp lake had an F-shaped dock that worked well for teaching the basic strokes while we kept an eye on the kids as they learned. One of our camp directors asked if she could attend classes, and I welcomed her participation. She did very well and only missed a couple of lessons due to her job. She confidently agreed to participate in the "final exam" so that she could get her "Basic Swimmer" certificate. She swam away from the dock toward the center of the lake, where she was to turn at about 100 yards and swim back. To my dismay, she kept going. And going. And going!

I realized too late that something was wrong, and called out to her. She kept swimming, and was far beyond my reach either with a pole or life preserver. When I swam out to get her, she was tired and scared, and gratefully allowed me to pull her back to safety.

She had missed the lesson on turning around, and I had missed out on that fact. After all, she had developed into what appeared to be a good swimmer. After all, she seemed confident. And after all, doesn't everyone know how to turn around in the water? I was dead wrong, and both of us were really lucky.

When children are involved in the foster care system, they frequently miss out on life lessons that we take for granted. Why? Because they are just trying to survive all the changes that foster care requires. "Who are these people?" "How long will I stay?" "Where will I go to school?" "Will my friends remember me?" "What are the rules in this place?" "Will they beat me?" "What is going on with my family?" "Why did this happen to me?" "Will they forget about me?" And on and on. These life-challenging questions interfere with that child's ability to learn from his environment. Her natural curiosity may be shut down because of anxiety. If he moves to another placement, progress that was made is likely to be lost. She lags behind further and further with each move. If we are lucky, he lets us know what he doesn't know. If not, he may fake it, pretending to know—or at least to not care.

I once worked in a children's home with teenagers. One day two of the older girls had appointments with me. Both were very mature, intelligent girls. Both had missed their last menstrual periods. Both were sexually active. One was convinced that she was not pregnant because she swam every day. The other was also convinced that she was not pregnant because she and her boyfriend were very careful to have sex only in the middle of the month between her menstrual periods. Both, needless to say, were pregnant.

As state coordinator of the NC LINKS program, I am concerned about the gaps in learning that are often experienced by our teens in foster care. By the time they are 16, these teens are convinced that they know what they need to know. They are developmentally pulling away from adults, and very unlikely to reach out to us to learn the skills they have missed. By the time they—and we—realize what they need to learn, many have experienced crushing circumstances due to unplanned pregnancy, withdrawal from school, underemployment, criminal involvement, or homelessness.

It is easier to build a child than to repair an adult. As a foster parent, you have an opportunity to help kids catch up with what they need to know. You are best as a teacher when you demonstrate what you are teaching, rather than just telling kids. It helps to also demonstrate that it is okay to not know everything! Kids have a lot to teach us too, and your openness to learning from them can set the stage for the young person's acceptance of what you are trying to teach.

Foster parents can make a difference in the capacity of every child in their care to succeed as an adult. Even very young children benefit from having developmentally-appropriate decisions to make: which outfit to wear, which stuffed animal to sleep with, or what kind of cake she wants for her birthday.

Young children can benefit from experiencing the natural consequences of some of their decisions, like running out of money before the next allowance, or losing access to free transportation when family chores are left undone. Moral development includes discussions such as why you share your cookie with Johnny, or why you don't hit Mary, or why you don't take things that don't belong to you. Be open to discussions about sexuality and choices regarding sexual behavior. Give kids opportunities to work toward goals that they set for themselves and encourage their progress.

In addition, foster parents have opportunities every day to teach the little skills that facilitate adult life. This involves intentionally taking the time to engage children and youth in experiences or adult decision-making processes. Talk about why you buy store-brand peanut butter but name brand bread, or show them how you figure unit pricing on groceries. Show how you shop for bargains on clothes using the newspaper. Make a game out of using coupons by let ting the child have half of the money saved on coupons.

Skill building activities could include talking about what to do when the engine light comes on in the car. Show how to change a tire, check the oil, or replace air pressure in the tires. When the opportunity arises, show how to stop a toilet from running. Demonstrate how to handle tools safely. Help the child open a bank account. Discuss and demonstrate how to handle credit cards responsibly.

Take him with you when you buy stamps, get a passport, vote, or renew your driver's license. Help him develop a list of emergency numbers. Teach him to cook while you are cooking, to wash clothes while you are doing laundry, to clean a refrigerator when that stuff in the back spills. Help them practice several ways to say no to drugs and alcohol, to sex, to cigarettes, shoplifting, and other self-destructive behaviors. Let them know that you really do care about them and that you believe in their future.

Kids may not act like they are paying attention, but on some level, they usually are. At the very least, they appreciate your time. The knowledge you instill may rest dormant for awhile and then pop up when needed. Or at least they will know how to use the telephone book, call you up and say, "Now tell me again what you said about . . ."

Joan S. McAllister is the NC LINKS Program Coordinator for the N.C. Division of Social Services.

 

Copyright � 2001 Jordan Institute for Families