Vol. 3, No. 2 • Spring 1999

The Impact of Grief

Why do some birth families say they�ll work to get
their children back and then miss visits or do other
counterproductive and upsetting things?

Although there many reasons for the things birth parents do or don�t do, a common one is grief. Grief can occur any time family members are separated, not just when someone dies.

When they grieve, people often go through five stages: shock/denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and resolution. Rather than progressing from one to another, people often shift back and forth�for example, a parent may move from anger to depression and back to anger again. The chart at right lists some of the behaviors parents and children exhibit at each stage of grief.

Recognizing that a birth parent or a child in your care is going through the grieving process may provide you with insight and understanding that will make it easier to work together.

Reactions to grief

STAGE	CHILD'S BEHAVIOR	PARENT REACTIONS
Shock/denial	indifference positive initial adjustment to the new living environment lacks commitment or conviction to activities denies the loss emotional numbness	robot-like, lacks emotion compliance denies there is any problem avoidance
Anger	aggressive expression of feelings aggressive behavior toward others lies, steals, or breaks toys oppositional eating or sleeping problems	uncooperative behavior oppositional demanding blaming
Bargaining	eager to please ritualized behaviors negotiates agreements moralistic	improved compliance makes broad promises
Depression	social and emotional withdrawal increased crying increased anxiety lack of energy unable to concentrate regressive behaviors	forgets appointments exhibits little initiative loss of hope about child returning home
Resolution	identifies with the new family stronger attachments to new family emotional distress decreases exhibits goal-directed behavior decreased emotional reactions to stressful situations	gets on with his or her life unresponsive to social worker stops visiting the children may accept agency pursuit of permanent custody

Source: Caye, J. (1996). Effects of separation and loss on attachment. Chapel Hill: School of Social Work, University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill.

Copyright � 2000 Jordan Institute for Families