Vol. 3, No. 2 • Spring 1999

Getting to the Heart of It

As a little girl, Judy�s friends wanted to be nurses
and policemen. She wanted to be a mommy when
she grew up. When she met and married Mark, they
looked forward to having a child to complete their
family. After many years of trying to have children,
they discovered they were infertile and began to
consider adoption as a way to become parents.

Their local �Model Approach to Partnerships in
Parenting� (or MAPP) class explored ways to help
them make an informed decision about adoption and
foster parenting.

They struggled with the decision to foster or adopt. At first, Judy and Mark talked about how they could not let a child go if they ever had one. During the ten weeks of class, they learned as much about themselves as they learned about parenting. After hearing all of the information, they decided that foster parenting was something that touched both of their hearts.

The purpose of MAPP is to present prospective foster and adoptive families with the information they need to make a sound decision about becoming a foster or adoptive family. When Judy and I began teaching our class, she talked to me about how much hearing from other foster parents meant to her as a participant. Research shows that families are more receptive to information from other families than to information from social workers or other �experts.� MAPP provides a way for partnerships to grow between agency staff, foster and adoptive families, and birth families.

By celebrating the partnerships, we are getting the best of all worlds. The more information and trust we share, the more the child feels the love and security they need so much during times of change.

The first meeting of MAPP made me recall a child I had worked with many years ago. She was 14 and had been in foster care since she was eight. During that time, she was in 10 different foster homes. She told me that she used to take her clothes out of her suitcase and put it in drawers in a way that she could easily pack them back in a suitcase. A simple act, but one that illustrates the feelings of children in foster care.

We are a team for the child, which is why it is so important to understand our own emotions and strengths. Judy and Mark experienced this when their first child came in January of 1996. She was a newborn. They knew that the goal of social services was to reunite the child with her birth mother. They immediately fell in love with the baby. They worked with the birth mother and supported her as she went through parenting classes and visits with the baby. The day came when, at a court review, the judge decided that the birth mother was ready to parent the child again. While it was heartbreaking to lose the daily contact with the baby, Judy and Mark knew that their role as foster parents had been fulfilled. They had provided a safe haven and care for a child in need. They had discovered that one of their strengths was the ability to love and let go.

In our system there are many losses, not just for children, but also for all of the members of the team. Birth parents may lose their children, or at least some time with them; foster parents may lose contact with a child they have come to love; workers lose hope that a child will have a permanent home.

Turning these losses into gains is something that the team must consciously work toward. We have to work together so we have all the information we need about the child and each other, so we can make the process as smooth as possible for everyone involved.

On Judy�s birthday, the next year, she and Mark received wonderful news. Their little girl was coming back to live with them. In June they began to visit with her in their home, and, in July 1997, she moved back. She was 18-months-old. The social worker introduced the idea of an open adoption, and Judy and Mark began to consider this option. When the baby came back, she was not the same child emotionally. She had experienced many losses, and her trust had been destroyed. Judy and Mark worked very hard to reestablish that trust and the relationship that they had built at the beginning.

When the time came for the case to be reviewed, the court once again decided that social services must begin to work again with the birth mother, even though the plan was now adoption. The day after her second birthday, the child began visiting again with her birth mother, with the goal changed back to reunification. Judy and Mark had many emotions about this situation, but decided that while they did not want to let go again, if it meant permanence for this baby and an end to the confusion, the resolution was better.

When the court date came up again, there were more surprises in store. Both the birth parents were in court, and both had decided to voluntarily relinquish their parental rights. The judge ordered them to sign the legal papers before they left the courtroom. Judy recalls that at this point, she looked at the birth mother and thought she looked so fragile and so very young. There were many emotions that day in court. Each of the parents had seven days to change their minds, and the birth father did. Eventually, though, Judy and Mark did adopt the baby. They continue to be foster parents and are currently in the process of adopting another child they have fostered.

As a team, we can turn losses into gains. With the energies of all people involved in the child�s life focused toward a mutual goal, we have the opportunity to build on the real strength�the love we all have for the child.

Judy Brinkley is a foster parent. Joanne Scaturro is a child welfare trainer with the NC Division of Social Services. Together they teach MAPP/GPS classes.

Copyright � 2000 Jordan Institute for Families