Vol. 1, No. 2 • Summer 1997

Parent to Parent
by Karon Lashaw

Question: David is a 5-year-old who was placed in our home about three weeks ago.

He was placed into foster care due to repeated physical and mental abuse from his mother, who began abusing alcohol and cocaine after he was born. His father has not been involved in his life since he was two years old. David is an only child. David is now in kindergarten. His teachers are having a hard time getting him involved in class activities--he is very shy and withdrawn, and has a difficult time asking for things. David is also convinced that the other kids in his class don't like him. We have never had children before and really want to help David--he is our first placement. What can our family do?

Response: First, congratulations on becoming foster parents! Foster parenting is a really rewarding way of life.

David may be suffering from a poor self-image and low self-esteem. Self-image and self-esteem are how we feel about ourselves: Are we important? Are we loved? Are we in control? A child starts to build self-image and self-esteem as soon as he is born. How he is picked up and held (gently or roughly, how often), how promptly he is fed when he is hungry, the response he gets when he cried--these and other personal interactions send messages that lay the foundation for self-esteem and self-image. Many of our feelings about ourselves are based on our parents and how they have interacted with us.

Unfortunately, it appears that David's mother--his only parent during his formative years--may not have provided him with the emotional support he needed. In fact, her physical and verbal abuse of David may have caused serious damage to his self-esteem.

A schedule is very important for foster children. In David's case the schedule takes on even more importance. David needs a very rigid schedule so that he knows exactly what is going to happen and when. If you need to deviate from the schedule, you should do your best to let David know as soon as possible. The schedule will provide a firm foundation in David's life, removing any worry about what is going to happen next and making him feel more in control. This frees David's emotional energy so that he can listen to and hear the positive statements about himself from you and the others around him.

And this is exactly what you must do. Praise David for the ordinary things that he does well, such as tying his shoes, getting dressed by himself, or brushing his teeth. Find out what David is good at--it could be music, reading, drawing, building, soccer, swimming, etc. Whatever it is, provide him with lots of opportunities to succeed. Give him your support and praise for his attempts and successes. By building on his successes, you will be helping him build his self-esteem.

When he does something you don't like, clearly tell him that you dislike the behavior but that you do like him. Do not give David an opening to think that he is not lovable.

You are already doing some other things that are helping nurture self-esteem by showing interest in David and his activities. Giving David attention and telling him that you love him will help tremendously. Engage David in activities at home. Ask his teachers about having a couple of his classmates over for an afternoon or weekend play group to help ease David's anxieties about whether he is liked.

Self-image and self-esteem problems often require therapy to overcome. If David does not have a therapist, please ask his social worker for a referral.

By helping David feel lovable and worthwhile, you will be helping improve his self-image and self-esteem. For more information you can refer to Dorothy Corkille Briggs' book, Your Child's Self-Esteem. Good luck with David and being a foster family.

Karen Lashaw lives in Alamance County.

Copyright � 2000 Jordan Institute for Families