Vol. 1, No. 1 • Spring 1997

Awaken the Sleeping Student
Child Welfare Report (August 1996)

There is an old Native American saying that "people
need to grieve a loss a full season,"
but when a child is a victim of physical
assault, incest, verbal abuse, or domestic violence,
we often do not give them a full season to recover.
Most do not get even a full six hours before they are
back at your school or in your foster home.

When a child "shuts down" in your home, they are often overwhelmed by trauma and crisis. When you face a serious crisis, you may hide in bed until you are ready to emerge. Children often do not have that option. To cope and recover, they must extract recovery time whenever they can, so they may withdraw instead of doing whatever they are supposed to do. Here are some guidelines for successfully awakening--and working with--sleeping children:

Identify Good Work Days: like you, children cannot become involved in work soon after a serious crisis or trauma. Ask the youngster to identify days they are better able to work. Negotiate work on "bad" days.

Don't Wrestle for Control: the child has learned that when they are not in control of events, they are often the victim of events. They take control by becoming "invisible" and doing little or nothing. Sometimes having control has helped these children minimize or stop abuse, so they will often fight intensely to keep control in your home. By allowing the child to have as much control as possible, you can gain cooperation you'll never get otherwise. So, instead of saying "Do this," say "Would you rather do this now or later?" Often masters at seizing and keeping power, the harder you tug on the child, the more stuck they become.

Teach Mistakes Are Okay: at home (with birth parents) making a mistake can mean getting hit or shamed, so shutting down and doing nothing can certainly seem the safest and wisest path. Teach that making mistakes is normal, and will not engender abuse in your home. Ask the child to write down on the top of a paper a benign (harmless) error she made. On the bottom of the page, she should write what she learned from making the mistake. Then have her throw away the top of the paper and keep the bottom--a metaphor for how mistakes are vital to learning.

Moderately Praise Progress: at home (with birth parents) the child may hear how terrible they are. If you strongly contradict that belief by overpraising the child, the child may feel so uncomfortable that he or she will act out to prove you wrong. It's as though suddenly a person was telling you that you were the most beautiful person on the planet. It might not fit with your previous experience, and could make you quite uncomfortable. Resist the temptation to "make up" for neglect or abuse by making a huge fuss about progress. Give moderate praise instead, or better yet, ask the child how they would like you to respond when they do something great.

Have Moderate Expectations: you may be tempted to set goals such as completing all overdue homework. While entirely realistic for other children, it may be far too hard for the shut-down child debilitated by severe family problems. All goals must be cooperative, not coercive. Select goals that are highly doable, tiny steps. These children desperately need success, not more failure.

Copyright � 1996, Child Welfare Report (August). Iola, WI: Jones Publishing. Reprinted with permission.

Copyright � 2000 Jordan Institute for Families