Vol. 14, No. 1 • November 2009

Her Love Kept Me Going
My Sister Helped Us All When My Kids Went into Care

by Youshell Williams

When New York City’s Children’s Services (ACS) came into my life, I was going through a very bad time. I had just gotten out of an abusive marriage, my kids were having trouble in school and I was depressed.

I usually turned to my sister for guidance. My big sister, Gina Williams-White, is a gift from God. I am so blessed to be related to such an angel. My sister goes out of her way to show how much she loves my children and me.

A Mother to Me
Gina and I have been close ever since we were kids. When I was only 14, we had to watch our mom die of cancer.

Once my mom left this earth, I went to live at my aunt’s house and I gave up on life. Life was hell and I wanted no part of it.

Gina was like a mother to me during those years. My aunt didn’t care what I was going through. She got rid of her problem by sending me away to live with my demon father in Detroit. My sister came through as usual by sending me care packages. Her love kept me going.

When I was 18, my sister sent for me to come back to New York. Even though she had just graduated from college and could barely make ends meet, she gave me another chance.

At age 19, I married a man twice my age though my sister begged me not to. My sister stuck by me all through my brief, horrible marriage. She glued me back together, talked to me, loved me, and helped me through my heartbreak and pain.

‘What Was I Thinking?’
But when I gave up my job and started getting depressed once again, I was ashamed. I did not know how to talk to her. What could I say? How could I let her know that I needed even more help? She’d already done so much.

Finally, instead of telling my sister what I needed in a direct way, I called the ACS worker who kept showing up on my doorstep and asked her to take my two children to my sister in Staten Island. Instead, she put them in a foster home in the Bronx.

Looking back, I think, “Why didn’t I just call my sister first?” I was just so ashamed of feeling weak.

‘It Ain’t Over!’
When my sister found out what that worker did to me, she was furious. She rushed over and we cried and planned together. We went to court the next month and my sister got custody of my children. The judge asked the worker, “Why did you put the children in foster care when there was family willing to take them?” Of course, she had nothing to say.

My children blossomed while living with my sister, her husband, and their son. My sister also tried to include me in everything. My visits started off very unsatisfyingly at the agency office, but soon my sister and I were taking the kids to movies and out to eat together.

My Children Prospered…
As happy as I was with the way my sister cared for my children, we also had disagreements. Sometimes I felt upset and frustrated that I could not make the decisions I was used to making for my children. At times, I felt like my sister believed she knew more about my kids than I did. I felt embarrassed and angry when I felt like my sister also believed I was an incapable parent.

For instance, I had told my sister that my son got sick every two months with a sore throat. She didn’t believe me until she had to take him to the doctor every two months and saw for herself.

It definitely was not easy for either of us to handle these stressful situations but our love brought us through all the difficulties and misunderstandings. We worked together to make sure things went right for our children.

…I Felt Lost
My children lived with my sister for three years. For a while, I felt like I would never get them back. I was doing what I was supposed to do but the case seemed to drag on. I felt depressed and lost. I half believed my kids were better off with my sister.

One time I briefly turned to booze to try to drown my sorrows. My sister and her husband did not tolerate that kind of nonsense.

“You better get yourself together quick, girl. These children need you!” my sister said.

“They don’t seem to need me. It looks like you got everything covered!” I said in a sarcastic tone of voice.

My sister gave me such a look that I immediately felt ashamed of myself. I knew better.

Where Are My Angels?
Finally an agency worker told me what to do to get my children back and my children were returned to me nine years ago. I waited so long to get my angels back but the transition was far from easy.

After three years, my children were too used to living with my sister and her husband. Once they came home, they acted like little monsters.

For months, my kids couldn’t wait to escape from me on the weekends and go back to Aunt Gina, where they felt more comfortable. I couldn’t blame them, but that didn’t stop my tears of frustration and pain.

‘Keep Going’
My sister was a big support. She told me, “I know it’s not easy but they love you. Don’t give up, girl.”

“You don’t have to worry about me ever giving up again. The price is too high. I love my babies,” I told her. “But they are not the same, Gina. All they talk about is you—‘Aunt Gina this, and Aunt Gina that. Aunt Gina, Gina, Gina!’ Ahhhh! What the hell did you do to my children? Just kidding, but I don’t think they remember that I love them too!”

“When they were here with me, they always said they missed you and couldn’t wait to go home,” Gina reassured me. “They just need a lot of attention. Keep going, Youshell.”

I realized that they were afraid I would lose them again and that they resented that I’d lost them to foster care in the first place. With help from family therapy, my children calmed down over time and were happy to be home once again.

Looking to Give Back
Now my sister and I are still close and so are our children, especially my older daughter, who truly adores her Aunt Genie. I think she calls her that because she thinks my sister is magical. She makes so many of our dreams come true.

I hope one day to show my sister in a huge way how much I appreciate the sacrifices she has made for me and all the love, care, and joy she has given my children and me. I show my sister a lot of love and buy her small things—gold jewelry, purses—but there’s no way I can repay her for all she’s done.

Reprinted with permission from Rise, a magazine by and for parents affected by the child welfare system, © 2009, www.risemagazine.org

Copyright � 2009 Jordan Institute for Families