Vol. 2, No. 2 • Spring 1998

Foster Dads and Fostering
by Gordon Evans

It's not uncommon for a friend or acquaintance, learning that you have four or five children at home, to say, "I don't know how she does it!" A foster father might reply that SHE doesn't do it--WE do it. That does not take away any credit from the mom. It is said to clarify the fact that both share in the work involved. That way, they each can truly be called "foster parent." It's true that there has been an old cliché, that a couple that fosters is really, "foster mothering with some help from the father." And, in some families, that may be true, as some dads can be almost "married" to their work and not be available for an equal share of the parenting of foster children. But from conversations with the many hundreds of foster parents I have met, "old dad" plays a much larger role in parenting.

Since the nation observes Fathers Day each year, and since too many foster dads are not given credit for their important contributions, it seems to me that it's time to talk about where the father "fits in." In my judgment, it's a mistake to try to isolate the participation of any family member to the exclusion of others. To be successful, to genuinely contribute to the future life of a foster child, the FAMILY must share the commitment. Here are some thoughts on foster dads:

Lyndon Smith, a lecturer and pediatrician, has said that the father has two roles--to protect the children from their mother, and to protect the mother from the children. That may be too simple, but I think we can all agree that the kids won't respect their mother (or foster mother) if dad doesn't. If the mom makes an independent decision about a child (ever notice how often that happens?) a good father won't countermand it in front of the children, but talk to her privately about it, if he disagrees. He must CHERISH his wife, particularly since foster children's whole perception of emotions may be violence to one another, or sex without love. The father can be an effective role model too, to demonstrate that the heart of marriage is love and friendship and caring. A pat on the fanny, a lingering hug at the drop of the hat, is the best kind of basic sex education you can give a child.
Another father's place is to communicate to foster children--especially boys--that there is nothing "unmanly" about being gentle. It's OK to say, "I love you." The child may never have seen his own father like this, as often the birth father uses profanity or violence to prove his manliness. It is up to the foster dads to undo this error.
The father has a heavy responsibility in dealing with the sexually abused child, especially a girl. He must gently insist that seductive behavior is not acceptable; that there are other ways of expressing affection. And--it's not enough to say this; he must demonstrate it by not giving in to seductive behavior. Too-forward acts must be firmly discouraged, early on. Instead, he can give alternative behaviors, such as "touch be her, I like that!"
If for any reason the foster mother fails in the nurturing role (maybe a personality conflict with a particular child, or mom's illness), the foster father has an obligation to assume it.
I see it as SO important that the father make himself available to give a foster mom unscheduled "time off," even if only a couple of hours at a time, shopping with a friend. And besides, it's good for the kids to be cared for, from time to time, by daddy alone--except when it's a sexually-abused child, in which case he should NEVER allow himself to be alone with the child. (This is important not only to avoid causing the child stress, but to protect the father's reputation. Lots of foster dads have been accused of terrible activities by foster children who are "out to hurt someone.")
Another key responsibility is with a child's school homework. Many dads feel that mom should handle school matters, but the foster child is often behind in grade level. Really, both parents should be available to help. That way, the child gets a double dose of how important school is.
Sometimes (and boy, this hits home with me!), a workaholic dad loves his yard work and hates to share it, or see it done badly. But one of the duties of the father is to share household chores by delegating. In this way, children learn responsibility, dependability and taking pride in their performance.
The foster dads needs to show how to say, "I'm sorry," and "I was wrong." A child must learn to lose graciously; how to pay a compliment and how to accept one; and the importance of truth and reliability. All of these are taught not by lecturing, but through living the role. And remember dads, with your own little ones, you have a lifetime to make mistakes and make it up to your child. With foster children there seldom is that much time--you must make every minute count.

I would hope that all foster dads occasionally find a quiet moment to think seriously about the heavy responsibility his family has assumed--to think of the individual needs of the children now in his home and how he can help satisfy those needs. A supportive role is what some assign to us. But the challenge of foster children's demands, it seems to me, is so great that if it were true that fostering was "foster mothering with a little help from day," it is absolutely false today.

Gordon Evans is editor emeritus of The National Advocate, the newsletter of the National Foster Parent Association. Reprinted with permission.

Copyright � 2000 Jordan Institute for Families