Vol. 1, No. 2 • Summer 1997

Stages of Grief and Ways to Work Through the Stages
by Betty Evan, foster parent, Houston, Texas

1. Denial (May take the form of foster parent suddenly wanting to adopt child.) Foster parent participating in parent selection and placement procedure would assure acceptance. 2. Despair (Takes form of inability to cooperate, i.e., argue about placement visiting schedule.) Social workers and members of the foster parent association should call the foster parent to offer loving concern.

3. Anger
(Takes form of complaining calls to supervisor.) Accept the fact of anger as a legitimate feeling, so that in order to express anger the foster parent doesn't have to find artificial causes for the anger. This misplaced anger often falls on the agency or individual workers and causes hurt feelings and misunderstandings.

4. Mourning
(Can result in tears and inability to cope.) Allow a time to grieve--agency sends "condolence note" in the form of a warm "thank you" note.

5. Guilt
Guilt? What place does guilt have in a foster parent's emotions? We would expect it from the natural family, who have failed their child. But why us? We have not failed their child.

I feel guilt at thinking mainly of myself, my loss, my loneliness. Why? When everyone else feels so great--caseworker proud, new parents ecstatic, child hopeful--why do I feel so rotten? I want to be as happy as all the rest, but I'm not. And it's all because I'm not fully sharing the happiness of all the rest that I feel guilty. That guilt, unreasoning and unnatural, is out of step with everybody else's feelings, so each stage of grief is overlaid with the feeling that something is wrong with me--I shouldn't feel like this. I shouldn't hurt so much.

But every time I do. And so should you--every time--or you haven't done what you're supposed to do...to love--to lose--and if you've loved enough, to grieve.

6. Acceptance (Takes form of foster parent asking for another child.) Allow time for healing. This stage is eased by knowing that the adoptive parents will allow their new child his or her memories in a Lifebook. Foster parents should never, on their own, initiate an ongoing relationship. I've asked myself many times why workers seem to ignore the grief in our loss. Do they not perceive it? I hope they

do, but since we are viewed as part of the nurturing team, perhaps it is too much for them to face the fact that we pay a heavy price for being so deeply and lovingly involved.

Copyright � 2000 Jordan Institute for Families